pinky promise.

Love. Love is probably the most difficult thing in the world to describe. And I haven’t had much experience with it in my short lifetime, so maybe I’m not the best source for this kind of topical writing piece. But, in the end, it’s just hard. Sometimes in order to show someone, just how much you love them, you have to hurt them. It’s unavoidable. Inevitable. Sometimes you meet the person that you’re meant to be with, before you’re ready to be with them. But just because it doesn’t work now, doesn’t mean it never will. They say if you love something, you should let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.

Sometimes you need to let go to figure out how to hold on. You have to know who you are before you can truly know someone else. You have to want to be with yourself forever before you can be with the person you love forever. And I know that’s not hard for most people – but for some, it is. For some, it’s an endless debate between being with the person you love most in the whole world, and not being with anyone, even yourself.

There’s only so much you can take, even from the person you love. The last thing you want to do is hurt them, but sometimes you have to do what’s best for yourself. You can’t always put the one you love above yourself, even if you want to. Even if the only thing you want in the world is to make them happy, sometimes you just simply can’t. Sometimes it’s too difficult. All you can hope, with a lost love, is that someday, at the right time, it will come back stronger than ever.

This is absolutely 100% the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and every bone in my body is telling me to take it back. But I can’t. All I can do is hope that one day, it will all be better. But in the meantime, there are a lot of things that both you and I know we need to work on.

I love you darling. Now, and always. Pinky promise. 

                                                                            ♡

listen to me.

Hi. Are you listening? Please listen to me. No one listens to me anymore and at first I thought I was okay with it because, well, I'm me and I don't like people anyway. But then I realised that even the most sad, lonely people need to be listened to sometimes because even if what they have to say isn't really all that important, it's nice to know someone hears it anyway.

So I just have to say that I have purple hair and I really like it. And I'm going to get my nosed pierced, and my mother is not going to like that and I'm not going to care. I'm really mad at the world and everyone in it and I kinda just want to be drunk all the time. None of this is important in the slightest and probably doesn't really interest you at all, so if you're still reading this, thank you.

Something that's really important to me is self-expression. I just think you should be able to speak, dress, act, be, however you want to without people telling you whether it's right or wrong, you know? Because no one but you can tell you what you like, and their opinion is in no way more important than yours anyway. I'm tired of people always saying "just don't listen to what other people say". How about 'other people' just stop saying it? Can you just stop, please? Stop looking at her like that. Stop snickering behind his back. Stop commenting on their life because how the fuck does it have anything to do with you, honestly?

I feel like this blogpost is slightly contradictory, and I don't care.

I'm tired, my brain hurts a lot. There's so much I want to say but at the same time, there's nothing. I hate that I feel like I don't have a purpose in life because I know I do - I'm continuously convincing everybody else of that. I'm really empty at the moment and I really think that something, or everything about my life right now is not quite right; and that's okay because I have a lot of time ahead of me to fix everything; to change everything.

♡

clique and cheesy.

So, school is now a thing of the past for me. No more seven am wake ups and midnight study sessions and all the other crappy parts of high school. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not all bad. You have friendships and make memories that you will cherish for life. You definitely learn a thing or two that’s worthwhile. And perhaps I will miss certain aspects of the high school life, and yes, I did cry during the graduation ceremony.

Some people enjoy every moment of high school to the point where they don’t know what to do with themselves when they leave; and some say it is the best five years of your life. I however, beg to differ. High school has been pretty crap for me, as it is for a lot of people.

I have had to go through and put up with a lot of absolute bullshit throughout my high school career. So much so that it has landed me in a mental hospital once this year; and several different shrink and doctors’ offices in the past two years. And I am not ashamed of that, because it’s a part of who I am. Everybody goes through difficult times, especially in the adolescent years because we are still learning about the world, about ourselves.

I guess my point is that high school can be an incredible, fun, magical, fantastic time for a lot of people, but if it’s not, it’s okay. You will and you can get through anything, because you are a strong individual with the potential to accomplish whatever it is that you want to. You are smart, no matter what your last English assessment said. You are talented, despite the nasty judgmental looks from that girl in your art class. You can achieve whatever you want to, no matter what anyone says. The only person who needs to have faith in you is you. The only person who needs to 100% believe in you is you. You can do anything that you set your mind to – and that is one of the most clique and cheesy things I have ever said; however also one of the truest.

You want to be an actor? You go out there and you audition for everything. You want to be a scientist? Study to your little hearts content. You want to be a painter? Paint until your hand gets sore my friend. I believe in you. If you are reading this right now – I believe in you. I have faith that you will be whatever it is that you want to be. I know that you will one day be great.

In the wise words of Suli Breaks: ‘I will NOT let an exam result decide my fate.'

And in the wise words of me: 'Peace out motherfuckers; you will not be missed.'

Ex'oh school, glad I never have to see you again.

♡

I hate you, you're stupid.

Hi blog. I'm really sorry for rejecting you a lot, for ages. But now I have a lot of things I want to get out of my system, and this is probably the best way to do it.

I really really hate school. I'm pretty sure I make this as obvious as humanly possible so far. But at the same time I don't mind it. I love the fact that I can finish school and it will help me get a uni degree, I just hate the fact that the next three and a half months are going to be the longest of my life. I hate the fact that teachers say "now in Senior, we can't help you as much, you have to do it mostly on your own, we'll be leaving you to your own devices" and then still force me to do shit I don't want to do. Like actually go to school. I'm so tempermental and moody. I'm like "YAY FOUR MONTHS LEFT OF SCHOOL I'M GOING TO WORK HARD AND DO SO WELL AND GET A REALLY GOOD OP AND BE AWESOME" and then I realise that I really just like sleeping and watching Gossip Girl. And that I despise the rest of humanity and being and school makes me incredibly and ridiculously angry, simply because I have to look at people's faces. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that I hate everyone. There are about seven people at school that I can kind of tolerate, most of the time.

I got a migraine at school today, because apparently I do that now. Get migraines. Like fuck you body as if I don't have enough health problems already, you had to throw that on top as well!? Ta. xoxo

The other day I found out that one of my closest friends made a derogatory remark about depression, which made me incredibly mad to the point where I actually started crying there and then. I didn't expect that from her, and I haven't nor will ever be able to look at her the same. I'm tired of people having negitive opinons about something they have no idea about. I hate you. You're stupid.

Also, you who over-reacts about your so-called mental disorders, shut up. If it was really that bad, you wouldn't be wanting everyone to know about it, and you wouldn't be such an obnoxious prick about it. I hate you. You're stupid.

In all honesty, I'm tired of having to keep secrets just because I'm scared of what people will think of me. And I never used to be like that, until actual real shit started happening in my life. It's hard enough some days to even roll up my sleeves or eat in front of people, and it makes me feel horrible and selfish to say that because there are people who are ten thousand times worse than me, who's scars actually show. Let alone the fact that there are things that I can't even tell my best friend; or my boyfriend; because who even knows what would happen. I started this blog with the full intention to reveal something that is important to me, that I just need everyone to know, at the end of it. But I can't. Because, you all suck. I'm so sick of bottling things up.

Peace out motherfuckers.

  ♡

you. ♥

You are not defined by the number of friends you have; the number that you see when you step on the scales or the number of questions you answered correctly in your last exam. The appearance of your face does not matter, nor does the colour or shade of your skin. You are not the amount of freckles you have. You are not the crookedness of your teeth or the size of your waist. You are not defined by the shape of your spine or the amount of motivation you can conjure up in your Senior years of school. You are not your hourglass figure; the gap between your thighs or lack thereof. The amount of people who are 'drawn' to you is of no importance, nor the amount of people who think you are friendly. You are not your shyness or your weak stomach. You are not defined by your hands, or the end product that did not match the vision in your head. Your inability to move forward is of no consequence. It does not matter how much you think you aren't good enough for anyone; how little control you have over the hatred and anger inside of you; or how much you worry about everything. You are not defined by your attempt to live up to everyone's expectations; or the people who you try too hard to please.

You are your own person. You are unique, and original, and you were brought into this world for a reason and with a purpose. You are your hopes and your dreams; your fears and your strengths; your aspirations and your beliefs. You are the people that you love and the memories that make you smile. You are defined by your passions; your opinions; and the things that make you happy. Along with the things that make you sad. You are your hobbies and your interests. You are not the words that you say but the actions behind them. You are not the mistakes that you have made but the way you have learned from them. You are not the smiles you had to fake but the strength behind the smile. You are perfect, exactly the way you are. 

♡

overdose on Minties.

When you start dating someone, you don't just date them. You date their life. Their friends become your friends, their family your family. You date their interests and hobbies, and the amount of alcohol they consume on a Saturday night. You date their job; you date their level of education; you date their social status and their favourite food. And when you start dating someone, you have to be prepared for all of this. Because if you can't handle even one of these things, it makes it very difficult for the relationship to move forward. All of these things matter, some of them more than others, no matter how much people say "ohhhh, if you love them, nothing else matters". It does. It really, really does matter. Especially if you can't talk about it for fear of upsetting them.

Mmmm dem obvious-directed blog posts.

On another, completely unrelated note - is it possible to overdose on Minties? If so, I will probably have done it before the night is through. 

♡

multi-coloured sparkly lettering.

And let me just share with you this: I do not understand how a person can stand there and watch the person they love, curled up in a ball crying on the floor and continue to yell or lecture them. Or just leave them there. To me, that's like holding up a big flashing neon sign that reads "I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU AT ALL" in multi-coloured sparkly lettering. Abusive relationships? I understand those even less. How you can do nothing when the person you love is hurting baffles me, but to BE the one who's hurting them? I just, don't get it. Or, or, here's another one: liking two people at the same time and then choosing one while still having feelings for the other. In the words of Johnny Depp: "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second". There's just no room for anyone else, in my opinion. And if you find yourself liking other people, that can't be real. If you find yourself feeling no need to help them when they're in pain, that can't be real. If you find yourself being abused, that most certainly cannot be real. I know for sure that no matter how angry I am, I cannot stand to see the person/people that I love be upset. I can't go to sleep at night knowing he isn't happy. It kills me a little bit inside to leave him if he isn't smiling.

But I'm too young to know what love is, probably. It's just a little high school crush that I have and it will most definitely not last forever, right? But you know what? Maybe it's not really love. And maybe it's not going to last forever. I am a realistic person. But when you're bawling your eyes out, collapsed on the ground drunk and covered in dirt, looking like a complete shit-faced idiot and he still doesn't want to leave you, well... that feels pretty real to me. I do not care for your opinion either. 

♡