It's days like these where I wish I could just go to every single person who is hurting; give them a hug and tell them that it's all going to be okay. Because, yes, I do know what's it's like to be in a place so dark that you can't see anyone else around you. You're completely alone, with the blackness, and no way of finding your way out. And I wish that I had had someone to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay then. Because I honestly did not see how it could be.
I just want to show everyone - every student who is bullied; every child abused by their parents; every teenager who hates themselves because of their reflection; every kid without friends; every person who sees no point as to why they should even go on - that they are worth it. Life is worth it. It WILL get better. It seems like the most impossible thing ever at the time but trust me, things will turn around. And it happens gradually, you won't notice it at first. But suddenly you will look back on the person you were a year ago and notice that you are completely different. That you have changed. That the cloud of blackness has conformed to a lighter shade of grey, and it continues to get lighter everyday. And I can't honestly tell you that it will fully go away, because I'm not sure yet if it does. But you get to a point where you hope desperately that it will disappear completely, and that's when you can help it to. If you want something bad enough, you can get it.
Please. Listen to me for one second. It seems impossible, I seem crazy for saying it, but your life will get better. They say that people who go through shit as a kid/teenager will have an excellent life when they get older. Karma works in two ways, you see.
You there, picking out your flaws - you are AMAZING. And you, collapsed on your bathroom floor with two fingers shoved down your throat - you are PERFECT. You, who gets picked on everyday - you are INCREDIBLE. Not to mention you, with the blade pressed to your wrist - you are BEAUTIFUL.
You are you, you are original; you are unique; you can't change who you are for anyone. Be proud of it; love yourself. Keep smiling, even when it's hard. Things will get better, if you just believe they will. And most importantly, don't let anything or anyone stand in the way of your happiness.
♡
Do you ever have those moments during an argument, where there is one particular that you could say, that would probably shut you them up permanently? And it's burning within you, to say it, to shout it in their face so that everyone will hear it; so that everyone will know the kind of person they really are. When you know things about a person that nobody else knows, and you KNOW that you could use it in any argument against them. But you're too nice to say it, really.... so you just write them all in a blog..
"I could name every guy you've cheated on your boyfriend with."
"I wasn't your girlfriend, I was just there in your darkest time to make you feel good about yourself."
"Remember that time when everyone hated you and I was the only one who was there for you?"
"I know about things that your sister has done that would sicken your whole family."
"What if your new girlfriend knew what you did to all your last ones?"
"Everybody knows you're just using him."
"And where did you get that A-standard assignment from? Did you think it up, or did Daddy?"
"What about when you made up a lie that your boyfriend bashed you, just for attention?"
Yeah. I think I'm done.
♡
I don't care how much you hate a person, how much they annoy you, how much you disagree with their beliefs, or they way they look act or talk, no human being on this planet or otherwise deserves to be told that they should die. You never know what a person could be battling inside their own head. Your words, no matter what context they are said in, could be the trigger to someone's brain. Someone who has a family, and friends, a life, a job. A human being, just like yourself. Life is so precious and can end so quickly, we should never be taking it for granted. Whether it be the simple "go die" or a more creative and disturbing description of how one might do so, you can impact a person's self-esteem to a point where they might just do exactly what you say. And that's not really what you want, is it? You don't REALLY want this person to die. You just don't like them. And that's fine, but the phrase is thrown around too easily and without thought, and quite frankly I am sick of seeing it.
Because there are some people, who sometimes, the legitimate feeling of wanting to die is so overwhelming that it can hardly be fought off. It can completely take over your mind and body to the point where seeing anything, absolutely anything at all that is even slightly insulting can push you off the edge. Not to mention actually having someone reinforce the thought in your mind that you are not in fact needed, or important to this earth. And honestly, think to yourself - how would you feel if your words, and your words alone, whether they be spoken out loud or typed behind a computer screen, were the cause of the death of another human being. That's pretty much murder.
Think twice before you open your stupid fucking mouth, asshole.
♡
I have been neglecting my blog. I'm sorry blog, I love you :'( please forgive me.
Let me just take a second to talk about the self-esteem ruining hellhole that is Lockyer District High School. Honestly, I am so sick of that place I am legitimately counting down the days until graduation. Freedom. I look forward to the days when I no longer have to witness pathetic-twelvie arguments. When I am no longer forced to sit in smelly classrooms with twenty-odd people that I don't like for six hours a day, five days a week. No longer will the pressure of doing work that is good enough crush my creative brain cells and force me into tears every night. Never again will I be required to put on that horrid, unflattering yellow uniform. I will wear whatever coloured socks I feel like putting on in the morning, and as much jewelry as can cover my wrists. Because Caitlin likes individuality, and individuality cannot be achieved through dull school uniforms that have been the same for years.
And although I have gotten past the stage of my life where I worry about what every single person I see thinks of me, I have come to a point where I really don't know why I am even in school anymore. My favourite day will be the day when teachers, principals, guidance officers, stop pretending like it's the end of the world if you don't do well in high school. Sure, if you don't get the OP you need, you won't get in to the uni course you want but you know what? There are plenty of adults who are clearly well past the age of being fresh out of high school and studying in uni or tafe. So really, shove your pressure to be perfect in someone else's face, I know better.
♡
